I'm coaching a leader who wants to improve her ability to encounter co-workers more directly. Like many individuals, she struggles with a natural behavioral preference for avoiding uncomfortable and messy communications in her relationships. This is a growth opportunity for her in her personal development plan:
To build confidence that she can confront difficult issues with people at work rather than avoid them and create a host of negative consequences.
So, what's getting in her way?
One thing in her way is a mistaken belief: Often the nice person feels she or he needs to be mean or angry to effectively show or express their feelings of dissatisfaction at a situation or person. Nice people fear that being direct requires changing their style.
However, the most effective encounters over conflict are peaceful and engaging even though they deal with tough issues. Relationships deepen and grow from conflict that is mutually resolved. Getting to Yes, a book by Roger Fisher and William Ury, is "A straightforward, universally applicable method for negotiating personal and professional disputes without getting taken - and without getting angry."
How can she deal more directly with folks and still maintain the integrity of who she is?
She needs to recognize that conflict is normal and natural, it surfaces every day, and she can learn to be more clear about expressing her own needs and her willingness to balance those with the needs of others.
She doesn't need to work on changing who she is, but it's important for her to recognize that avoiding encounters lacks personal integrity and she isn't being completely honest. This recognition is helping her find the energy to practice initiating those unwanted but necessary conversations.
Frank
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