An article in this month's The Harvard Business Review (Jan. 2008) discusses what makes a good mentor. One of the items states:
"Tells you things you may not want to hear but leaves you feeling you have been heard."
Mentors as Messengers
In my leadership coaching I'm often faced with telling clients things no one else will -- because these folks are perceived to be shut down, defensive, or most often, in denial. It's not easy being the one to get it or give it. A mentor or coach is a messenger - often bringing the hard truth to people who need it but don't want it. I'm the guy who's willing to give people "the bad news," so to speak. I received the feedback the other day that a client said her encounter with me was "painful." Well, a part of me went ouch too. (Sure, a part of me would have preferred getting the feedback from her that, "Gee, it was the best coaching I've ever had!")
My Challenge
The challenges of the mentor or coach who's invested in helping people change and develop - is to be willing to give the "bad news" and deal with the reality that I'm not the most popular guy in the room in those moments.
Shutting Feedback Down
It's not easy facing our blind spots, on either the giving or receiving end. Too often we shut down feedback by focusing on is it right or wrong? versus understanding the need for folks to feel we are really listening to their feedback. As leaders, if we can set the stage for an honest conversation, listen to the feedback, thank someone for their honesty, we build cohesion for the relationship to grow, be nourished, and it will thrive on a whole new level. As soon as we let defensiveness, justification and blame enter (no matter how justified) we lose. We lose our cool and the teams' ability to trust coming to us with issues we can respond to maturely and effectively.
Opening Conversation Up
Opening ourselves up to hearing something we fear may be true from someone we don't want to hear it from can be an important leadership development moment. And, no matter who we are or how successful we are, we all have these opportunties to turn "negative" feedback into growth and change.
Making a Choice
When someone gives you feedback you don't want to hear, are you going to get agitated, or are you going to take it, consider it, try it on, wrestle with it, mine it for gold nuggests of truth, no matter how angry or defensive you feel? Being right or being willing to create feedback rich, cohesive environments - your choice. Our choice. My choice.
~ Frank
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